BED Update/Journal

Hey guys! So I just made a little video this morning, since it’s been 30 days since I challenged myself to live by the outline of my last blog.

And, as expected, there were ups and downs and everything in between.

Some of the things I mentioned in the video came from these journal entries I made throughout the month, so I’m just going to copy/paste them here to flesh out anything that didn’t make sense or feel complete as I just spoke off the top of my head :) love you guys!!

Journal:

Night 1:

Posted video. Felt heavy before. Motivated after! Took a long walk and talked to my mom. I’m doing it! Went to bed without late-night eating bc I thought about having people rooting for me. It felt like a small victory!

Day 2:

1 Chronicles 28:20 i:
“20 David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you”

Journaled. Read the Bible. Woke up feeling discouraged, but now I am truly Feeling encouraged.

Eating was better. Sat down. Found that I need to put my phone far away. Makes me inhale and not taste my food because I’m scrolling through emails, texts, whatever. I literally didn’t even remember eating when i was done! Not good.

Gonna add that to my list of self-help! No phone! Just enjoy and breathe!

Day 5:

Feedback from my friend, want to share with people, because it’s so good! Really helped me so much!!! Just change my name to yours ❤️🙌

“So my feedback isn’t a big deal, but yet it’s a big deal. Haha…
One of the things I have noticed in my life and in ministry is the whole label thing. I get it, I have been in it, I have used them personally and to identify others with. However, over the last several years, I have seen how that ‘label’ can create a false reality and keep doors open to unGodly thoughts and beliefs of our true identity in Christ.
So, when I heard you say, “I’m an alcoholic” or’ “I’m bulimic” I find my spirit cringing and rising up almost screaming, “NO…that is not who you are!!” It’s kinda like that thing we hear in churches all over the world, “I’m a sinner saved by grace.” NO!!!! You were a sinner and you were saved by grace and are no longer identified as that…you are a new creation! Jesus now calls us friend, sons and daughters etc. once saved, He never refers to us as sinners again.

You my sweet, beautiful, joy filled, healthy and strong Britt are not an alcoholic or bulimic or addict. You are a new creation in Christ! I know…you are not perfected yet, you are in process. But in that process God has already declared it so…He has called that new creation of Britt into reality!
I know you understand and get this in your heart and I just want to encourage you to use the true words of your identity when you speak about yourself.
You may have a struggle with those things…like I said, you are in the process of life and He is refining you, heck, He is refining all of us as we surrender!
I am a big believer in the power the words we think and speak over ourselves carry and how they become partners with heaven in creating. Nothing existed before God spoke it into existence!!
This is something I struggle with, something I am intentional about and choose to do most every day. When I am not, I really notice the difference. When I do it…bam💥🔥 I am Wonder Woman! The same thing happens when I do this for others. It also empowers them to remove the label they have affixed to themselves.

Ok…enough preaching in that feedback. 😂
Use words and descriptions about yourself that are HIS words to define who you are…not the worlds labels. ❤️🔥😘
Go get ’em lady!! ”

Game changer!!!! So true about every single person. AMEN.
Day 6:

My sober birthday!!!

Day 7:

Had a bad binge day today. Maybe on the heels of a year of sobriety..like, now what?

Feeling pressure bc I wanna do well on this challenge, so I get anxious. Ha! Go figure. I gotta Pray against this spirit of self sabotage! Yesterday and today I’m Feeling stressed about tons of magazines calling me and wanting to talk about eating disorders, and I’m touched but also stressed about so many constant emails, my phone never stops.

I feel responsible for responding to so many urgent and passionate emails with advice I don’t even have to give. I just need to let it go. I’m only one person. So that’s one thing. LET GO!!! I’m putting on my giving keys “Let Go” right now to remind me!

Breathe!

I want to be present and I want to not worry about food when I’m not eating it. Its possible. I know it is. I do feel encouraged having that thought. Thank You, Lord.

And I messed up pretty bad today, but I don’t feel very heavy anymore. I am making progress, even just talking about it.

Later that night:

Home. Binged again!!!! Seriously! Like so bad. Full on. Everything. Feel sick.

Sat down. Wrote to God. Cried. A lot.
Surrendered. Literally on my knees. It’s not about my tips it’s about letting go for real. I can’t do it alone.

Crying felt good.

Day 10:

Someone asked me what do when you can’t feel Jesus. Her eating disorder is making her question her relationship with God:

(This is what I wrote her)

” I’m glad I have come across your email. Thanks for being so vulnerable. I totally get the feelings of wishing God would just “fix” me and feeling upset that He didn’t magically take away my disorder. I know it’s hard to comprehend, but I just had to switch my thinking. Instead of thinking of God as never being there, I remembered that He was the one who always stayed. Even when family and friends and even me didn’t like me. He was always the one who forgave me, when I abused my body over and over again. He was the one who never left me, when I was selfish and scared and acting rebellious in my addiction. He never deserted me when I dishonored Him and His temple (my body) again and again by choosing to binge or restrict. He’s the gracious one. I’m the one who can’t treat myself well. And still He loves me!!! It made me want to start living an honoring life. It made me want to take care of myself the way He longed for me to, because He loves me so unconditionally He actually wants more for me than I do. All my choices are mine and I don’t get to be mad at God for them. I actually have to bow down and thank Him for never leaving no matter how many times I fail or falsely accuse Him or turn from Him and bow down to my desire to be thin or my need to be in control. I ask Him for forgiveness for my attempts to be God and my disregard for His faithful friendship. I know in the thick of a disorder it can be hard to feel close to God, but it’s usually bc we are actually the ones turning away by blaming Him, hiding from Him bc we wanna do things our way, or we simply are feeling sorry for ourselves. Or at least I was. And now, I simply see that Jesus has been the best and most faithful friend I’ve ever had, who never judges me and never gets tired of my hundreds of failures and upsets and immature days. He simply says I love you let’s try again tomorrow. If you can’t feel Him, I would ask you to pray and surrender t all over to Him. If you can’t do that, then that might be why you can’t feel Him, you’re keeping yourself away from Him to keep control. That’s what blocks Him out and keeps you from feeling His love. It’s always there And always available and always rooting for you. Love you sis!!! Hope that helps!!! I felt the same way until I figured out that He literally never leaves! He might ask us to surrender and we may say no and turn away, but He always waits for us to come back to Him for help! Love you! ”

 

Day 14:

I want to have as much empathy for my friends and family and Jer with their stuff as I want them to have with me. It’s easy to think someone else’s problems are different, that they could just stop if they want to. But when people think that about me, they don’t get the real picture. The more I can use this experience to have grace for people, the better.

Everybody has hangups and they take different forms but they’re all essentially the same! We don’t feel good so we reach to something other than God to comfort is. How can I look down on anyone’s struggles? I wanna be as aware of that as possible and be kind to those who’s temptations are just different than mine.

1 Corinthians 1:3 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” AMEN! 

Later:

Tonight I started binging on popcorn, I could just tell I was inhaling and not tasting and frenzied. But👍 turning point!!!’ At 9 I remembered the rule! I also didn’t let myself get into any sugar and start going crazy.

I kept my rules! The night before I signed a contract with God surrendering and asking for strength so that even if nothing else i could just keep these rules! And I did!

No sugar, no food after 9, no fake food. I could still feel my compulsions raging but I stopped. So it wasn’t perfect, I’m not magically cured, but I definitely feel victory! It stopped way before it got super crazy and I feel so grateful.

It makes me wanna keep keeping these boundaries! I feel so happy and successful. And yep I still could tell I have compulsions, but I can also tell I have help and those little rules gave me a way out of adding sugar which takes me to a whole mother level and also having no end point!!! Victory!!

Feels almost better than if I had not even binged. Feeling like I’m able to stop it from turning into an all-out bender feels like a miracle.

Day 15:

Romans 12: 12 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will.

As Eugene Peterson translates it in The Message, ‘Take your every day, ordinary life – your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life – and place it before God as an offering’ (v.1, MSG).

Day 18:

The other day I posted my prayer. Helping other people find peace was the goal and I noticed that it made my eating so easy all day! Such a weird and cool thing! Whenever I take the focus off of myself I don’t obsess over food more naturally.

The other night I found the same thing happened, so much peace and fullness in my spirit after praying over the women in my recovery group.

Good to know!
I want to bless and pray for others when I start feeling anxious or sad or stressed, it always helps. Giving to others really fills me up and takes away the need to turn to food- Win win!
Day 19:

Gratitude Journal. So helpful! Thank You, God. Keeping little notes all day on my phone of what I’m grateful for has been really blessing me lately. Training my eyes to look for miracles and opportunities and happy moments instead of just going through my day feeling bleh. So much joy comes from seeking the sweetness! Amen! I can tell it’s shifting my perspective and affecting me deep in my spirit. I feel less anxious in general, because I’ve learned to look for your provisions everywhere, so it’s what my mind sees. My life hasn’t changed on the outside but my heart sees it so differently, it is helping me with my eating, I can tell!

Day 20:

❤️❤️❤️I saw a squirrel and I saw how well it’s body loved and jumped and climbed and how agile and feee it was. It mde me remember that God doesn’t want us to be fat. He wants us, designed us, made us to be healthy. Look at a monkey, a horse, a cat. They are all perfectly proportioned and muscular and in shape, naturally. The only animals that aren’t are ones who need to survive the cold or use it for defense or something which humans never do. We are made to be agile, streamlined, perfectly in alignment and healthy and whole. With energy and sustained vitality and muscle in perfect proportion. If we eat what God gave us and move like He created us to, we win!! He gave us a wonnnf formulae. Amen He desires our best 💎🙌

Day 21:

Romans 14:23-24
“But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.”

I take this to mean that it is not so much about rules, but about whether your actions are in line with your conscience. So, for me, the guidelines I have came to me from the Holy Spirit, particular to my exact body and situation. This doesn’t mean at all that I should put them on anyone else. Because for someone else, they could be overbearing and pointless or unecessady or perhaps even damaging, who knows?

Whereas for someone else, alcohol is fine, for me it is death to my relationships, self esteem, self control and ability to be happy or productive. Or for that matter processed foods could be ok in moderation for some and for me they are damaging and always triggering!

God has told me this so specifically so many times that my conscience is pricked when I eat them, so for ME to eat them is a sin. Sin meaning a falling out of alignment with health and wellness! It means I am ignoring the Holy Spirit in me when I do that, and that means I’m saying “yes” to rebellion and a “no ” to God’s best, even though He is where my help comes from!!

This always ends in regret and shame and further acting out.

So, I cannot accurately prescribe what God has for anyone else, only what I have heard for me. I know that to some it may seem to strict to not eat processed foods, and honestly that is ok. I know, in my spirit, that if and when I do it, I am acting out and choosing against what God has laid out for me to do for my best healthy body. 💕🌺🍃

Day 25:

For a few weeks, I have been going outside to my lemon tree every morning to pick a lemon to squeeze into my water. Free lemonade!! Yay! Anyway, I’ve only ever been able to find one at a time that is ripe enough and low enough. So each morning I’m a little anxious that I will not find another one, but somehow I always do.

It reminds me of the concept of manna in the Bible, and how God wants me to trust Him…and to take things, especially things to do with food, one moment at a time.

Everything inside of me wants to pick 20 lemons so that I know I will have another for tomorrow, so I feel safe.

Everything inside of the Israelites wanted to collect more manna than what they needed for the day, and God said no. They were only allowed to collect what they could have that day and the rest would go bad. If kept them in constant dependence on Gods provision. It kept them from controlling their own food and it kept them from stockpiling to feel safe.

It kept them healthy and in perfect tune with God and His plans.

I want to live the same way. I want to let go of my need to stockpile and eat a lot now because I might not have it later or to try to control when and how I eat by planning ahead without inviting God into it.

I want to learn to just trust that He will provide the next thing and that I can let go. I want to just pick today’s lemon and trust that another one will be there tomorrow. I want to surrender control and let go of the spirit of lack that lies to me and says I won’t be taken care of later.

I will. My God will always take care of me

Day 28:

Filmed two shows today, talking about my past history with bulimia, anorexia and BED in great detail. I feel like it’s the right thing to do and even people on set said they have struggled with the same things. This feels important, but pretty emotional and I am definitely not painting a flattering picture of myself…

BUT I always say that God doesn’t waste a hurt. I know I’m not alone and part of my purpose is to let people know that they aren’t either!

I feel exhausted, a little triggered, but ok. I didn’t die and the world didn’t stop spinning, and even when all my vulnerable and potentially judge-able truth comes out about my life with addiction, the world will still go on! I feel tired but like I did the right thing.

Day 29:

I did well all day, binged a little at night. And by a little I mean I added it up and it’s about 3 or 4 days worth of meals. Yaaaa.

Thinking of reporting my progress to the world made me feel anxious. I began binging and definitely ate well beyond feeling satiated.

I did stop, however, before everything in the house was gone…and so, thank the Lord, I can feel that my baby-steps of progress are happening slowly but surely. I left chips and chocolate in the house I was sitting and didn’t finish everything off–so that’s a victory for me! I remember a day when that was truly impossible.

I also remember a day when, having eaten as much as I just did, I would hate myself so deeply that I would throw up, run to the gym, cry, repeat the binge, and fall headlong into a cycle that would last for days.

But instead, I felt really full and I definitely felt like I didn’t wanna keep doing this with my body, but like I was just a work in progress. I actually went to bed feeling a lot of grace. I felt like I wasn’t perfect, but that it was truly ok. I’m getting better and I’m healing bit by bit.

I kinda can’t believe it!

Day 30:

Today I woke up without shame. I went to sleep with grace and woke up with grace. I was still full (you know that feeling!), which would usually freak me out, but kinda just was what it was m.

It didn’t change the fact that I’m taken care of and that today’s a brand new day!

I am forgiven. I am seen. I am totally ok! If I gain or lose a pound, it doesn’t affect my destiny, my calling, my value or my purpose. I’m truly fine. I lack nothing! I am provided for and every day is new. Every MOMENT is new. And today, I’m not perfect but that really just means I’m a human being just like every single person on this planet. It feels really good. I feel a tide turning. I’m sure I’ll have good days and bad days as I continue walking this out, but more and more they don’t feel like they define me. They just come and go and life goes on. If I need to get on my knees I do. If I need to call a friend and talk about the reason I binged, I should. But even if I don’t, the world still keeps spinning and my life is still a beautiful blessing.

So I guess this month kinda taught me that I’m ok. We’re ok. I binged literally yesterday, and I didn’t find a magic pill that takes thus away, and I don’t have to have the perfect advice or the solution or the magical answers, I just have to be a real person and share my story and relate to other real people. I am praying for everyone who’s reading this and who deals with this to just feel permission to breathe. We’re not defined by our mistakes. Or our successes!

We’re just as lovable on good days as bad and there’s really no such thing as bad if you stay in a posture of honesty and surrender. Even our failures make us stronger, more real, more relatable and more resilient.

So yep, yesterday was not the healthiest. It definitely has compulsion at the wheel for a good hour or so, and I regret what I put into my body! But I don’t hate who I am because of it. I don’t think I’m broken or useless or damaged. I’m just an amazing person who ate too much yesterday and doesn’t have to do it again today! Big deal :) and that’s actually how I feel. I kinda can’t believe it but I do.

Maybe next time I’ll cry. Maybe I’ll freak out. And then maybe next time I’ll be able to have grace. And hopefully it’ll slowly but surely (as I feel is happening now) just lean more and more toward grace and hope and peace every time. Until I just let go of the shame altogether and can eventually stop binging to cover it up…I pray it’s so!! For me and for you!!

So God bless you! And remember: you’re more than your struggles! You’re more than your victories! You’re loved and complex and amazing and free, even if you can’t feel it yet. It’s ok to make mistakes and to cry and to be afraid, but remember…You’re doing it, as long as your heart is open and willing to take the next little step into grace ❤️❤️

So: my final answer after this month challenge is: yes, the Tips from my last blog did help a lot! They weren’t magic though. The truest thing I leaned is that alllllll the tips and tricks in the world will never bring victory until we see ourselves as God sees us. Beautiful, whole, worthy, blessed, strong, interesting, capable, confident, and deeply desired in every single stage of our journeys …so let’s just speak THAT truth over our selves and just keep on keeping on…

 

it IS getting better
Love you guys!!!

Britt

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  • Brittany
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    Britt, I remember watching you on Chris’ Season of The Bachelor. Looking back, it’s apparent that something was different about you in the best way possible. Seeing your heart for Jesus, I can totally see how set apart you are. Not in a way that suggests someone who knows Jesus is superior then everyone else but I can definitely see the light in you and it shined brightly in this dark world. It shined brightly on the show. I’ve watched some videos on YouTube you have posted and I think it’s so cool that in some weird way The Bachelor/lette led you back to Jeremy. I remember the video where you said the guy that wanted to date you (when you weren’t picked up for the Bachelorette knew Jeremy and thought you two should date. The fact that you and Jeremy previously dated and just all these little things coming together is JUST SO COOL! I don’t know if that makes any sense but from an outsiders perspective, I just feel like Jesus has something up his sleeve and it’s so cool to see everything come together and work for the good. Reading about your eating struggles, I can relate. About 4+ years ago I started the healing process (again) from eating issues. This journey, this time around, has been so much different as I feel like I am more seeking to whole heartedly follow Jesus (even though he’s been in my life since I was a little girl). It’s changed everything and I’ve probably been the healthiest I have ever been mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Nowhere near perfect and there are moments/days where the fight is real but I keep getting up and pressing through it. I can only attribute this to Jesus! The final paragraph of this post you posted has literally been the key to me getting better the last 4+ years, among so much more. Seeing ourselves through Jesus’ eyes…there is no better mirror! :)

    You are so beautiful on the inside and outside. The way you speak, carry yourself, the truth that pours out from your mind/heart/soul…it truly shows and it truly Blesses me. The Bachelor/ette is a guilty pleasure and there are days I question why I watch it (LOL) but had I not, I may not have known you were on there and wouldn’t have found my way to this blog.

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