Fertile Soil: You’re too Fat

I haven’t had courage to post this until now, so the time line is obviously a little back-dated. But yeah…

“Yesterday I posted a video of a little talk I gave at church about a woman’s body being healed. I was so excited to share it with everyone because it was such a beautiful and amazing story! I don’t always have time to read my comments… but I was so energized by people’s prayers and reactions to this particular post that I began to read them all.

This is never wise.

I was just feeling encouraged as I read so many people praising God and sharing their own similar stories that I had to keep reading! I was on top of the moon.

And then…I saw it.

One person (out of alllll the other extremely positive comments) made one that stung.

“You look so fat”.

That was it! It was so stupid and small. 4 words.

At first, I tried to just keep reading, but I could feel my brain reciting it over and over. “Let it go, Britt!”

But, nope. Already, it was too late: I could feel my body reacting as I got warm and angry and then sad and frustrated.

I looked at my video, the very video that I had told myself not to worry about, because my own first reaction when I saw it was that my legs looked fat.

“You look so fat,” I had said to myself.

But then I told myself “NO! you’re crazy, you look just fine! And besides, this is a video about Jesus, not your legs!”

So, I posted it anyway.

( I have learned to do this, because if I only went out, engaged in activity, posted, or whatever-ed when I felt that I looked perfect or was in perfect shape, I would cease to exist, for all intents and purposes)

The reason it’s so hard to put myself out there is that one of the Enemy’s favorite ways to distract me is by telling me I’m not good enough. He usually does this by making me feel insecure about my body, my eating, my weight: things like that.

Which is why, when one silly comment (mean though it was), comes through, I cant shake it.

You probably think I’m crazy, and that’s probably true.

But all the same, try as I did, I couldn’t let go and I got massively hung up on that comment!

I got hung up on it because it corresponded with lies I have already agreed with in my life.

I got hung up on it because it’s the token ammo the enemy launches at me when I am weak, when I am strong, and every time in between, because for so many years I made my weight my idol.

I got hung up on it, because for a moment, I bought the lie that “oh no! I was right in the first place, I am too fat! I should have deleted that video!”

I got hung up on it because it shot me back to 2 years ago when the bachelor/bachelorette were running and I went straight from a private person to a public figure over-night and got torrents of bullying about my body, and how I looked, and even about who I was that met and made friends with every lie I’ve ever believed about my flaws.

I got hung up about it because for a moment, the enemy reminded me of the pain of the things people said, and I forgot the victory the Lord won in all of those instances.

But it’s not really, really crazy that I got hung up on it, is it?

I mean, mean-ness is mean!

Right?

Sure, mean words hurt. And yes, it is true that that girl should not have said that to me. It was inappropriate and it was unkind.

Buuut, it wouldn’t and couldn’t have landed so hard or grown into offense in my heart unless I had fertilized that soil many times before.

For example, if she had made fun of my hair, or my voice, or my Chuck Taylor’s (which others did and have and will again), it wouldn’t bother me very much at all.

When people make fun of areas I feel confident in, the insults don’t ring very true and I can go instantly to a place of separating myself from the hurtful words. They don’t land on fertile soil so they don’t grow into anything at all.

However, in the case of my feelings about my body, I have much less of a defense and much more of a greenhouse.

In my head I can know that i should simply pray for that person; that the anger in their own heart that would cause them to try to hurt a strangers feelings would subside. I can also know that someone who speaks in that manner shouldn’t be trusted with my feelings. I can also know that I am never going to meet her, and that it doesn’t matter, and that she has surely forgotten about it by now, and probably says things like that to a lot of people online to meet sone need inside of herself. I can even know that hateful comments rarely have much to do with me, and much more to do with the state of the person making them, so the mature thing to do would just be to let them go…

but…it still hurt.

I still felt like I put myself out there to spread encouragement and got made fun of for my body. And that isn’t fun.

But what God is telling me about it all IS FUN. And it is simply that: (and all of these go for all of us!)

1. I’m called to spread good news
2. Good news offends people who are not happy in their own hearts & lives
3. Hurt people hurt people
4. That doesn’t mean I get to stop spreading the good news!
5. He never gives me more than I can handle.

and finally, that

6. I am responsible for my own “soil”.

 

So yes, I cried last night.

I did.

It’s embarrassing but I did.

I cried because someone called me fat and I cried because it landed right on my own personal insecurity.

But you know what else I did?

I asked Holy Spirit if He thinks I’m fat.

He said no. So I got to hear that, deep in my spirit.

And He also said it wouldn’t matter if I was.

He also said it’s bigger than that–that the devil will always use people to bring us down when we’re doing good things. Especially when we’re doing good things!

And unfortunately we can’t change other people or their behavior toward us. But we can use times like the other night to take a deeper look at what’s going on.

I can use my reaction to that stupid comment to bolster up, in the spirit, my resilience and my security in myself.

I don’t want to be at the mercy of every stranger who says something mean. That’s gonna get really old, really quick.

I want to be fully clothed in spiritual armor, so that I don’t have to go through accepting the lie for even a moment before I turn and pray for them.

So, what the enemy meant for harm, I get to use for good, and equip myself with good information: about where I’m at and about where I’m going.

I can see that where I am is obviously in a spot that scares my enemy. The enemy is called “the accuser”, because he loves to say things that aren’t true and that hurt us, because he is full of fear.  Sometikes he uses people around us to do it (and sometimes people are just mean by themselves because of their own pain), but we can be sure that it’s not the truth because we know where hateful words originate from. We can also be sure it’s most likely to happen when something awesome is going down. So just know that!

When I look at it this way, I see what happens for what it really is.

I can choose to see myself as a threat and own it and feel empowered! Woo!

I can see that I do not have ANY responsibility to agree with hateful words or lies. About anything.

I can see our only responsibility is to make sure we don’t create fertile soil for lies to land in and take root.

So! Instead of shutting down, I get some homework.

I now get to look at my life and start weeding out my own negative self talk, so that that ground is less fertile the next time someone makes fun of me!

I get to use it to be stronger!

I get to say “not today”, Satan!

I get to see behind the curtain, see that I’m probably right where I need to be. So if I am doing something important and valuable, and that I should keep going, with double the zeal!

I get to bless my spirit with truth to combat the old narratives that say I’m not enough.

I get to strengthen myself for the battle and show up more ready and more spiritually secure the next time.

I get to speak the truth out loud about how God sees me, and others! I get to tell other people that they are beautiful. I get to be the opposite type of person.

I get to walk away with more, not less.

I get to pray for the person who cuts me down.

I get to use each victory as a stepping stone to the next.

I get to tell my spirit that I am not what mean people say about me, I am not what the devil shouts about me, and I am not what my own negative self-talk whipsters about me!

I get to remind myself and others that we are expertly crafted; placed with care into our mother’s wombs for greatness, boldness, and purpose!

Now try to call me fat, and see if it lands the same way! :-)

So… at the end of the day, I am grateful for moments like this, even if they’re painful, because they show me right where and how to get to work. God bless the lovers and the haters (ha! Amen!) and everyone in between because we’re all His kids. And everything, everything, everything serves a purpose when God gets involved. He really can make all things beautiful and new.

So, if someone’s trying to get you down (be it yourself, another person, or just life in general), take it as a compliment. You just must be important enough for the enemy to want to bother. And take it as an opportunity to assess your soil and take charge of how you how you react.

If you’re stronger than I was, then good job! Keep filling yourself up with truth. If you’re weak and susceptible, like I was, take it as an opportunity to armor up and ask God what specific truths about YOU He wants to share! I guarantee when it’s all over, you will be grateful for the trial and stronger then ever.

That’s just how awesome life Gods way is.

You are so so worth it!

Love you guys!

 

and p.s. You’re NOT too fat!”

 

another p.s. I also know I am not too fat, either. I was extremely thin on the show and have a hard time comparing myself to that weight, being compared to it by others (obviously) and with self-esteem in that area in general  but just in case I haven’t made that abundantly clear  I know it’s a Lie. :-) as much as I sometimes believe if I gain 5, 10, 15 pounds I am not as valuable, I do know it’s a lie. Juuuust making sure you know I know. Love you guys to the moon!!

 

 

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Showing 4 comments
  • Cristina
    Reply

    You are so refreshing! I wanted to comment on your YouTube yesterday, but Google was being weird. It was so refreshing to hear you say that for “working out” you just walk. You do what you feel our bodies do naturally. Or just doing the elliptical. As someone who has tried every fad everything, it was so great to hear someone say that. I feel best when I’m walking or jogging (wogging as well like to call it lol). I do it for my health, not for my weight. Life is so much more body types and sizes. Do healthy things for your body, period. I turned 31 this year and struggled a lot comparing myself to my college body (which I thought was fan then, psshhh). But this is my body now. I am 31, not 21. I’m not better or worse. I’m not less of a person because I don’t look like the younger version of myself. I’m not a celebrity and my job is not to remain ageless. I really enjoy following your journey Britt, and thank you for being so open!

  • Katie
    Reply

    I love what you said about being important enough for the enemy to want to bother you. I’ve been going through a very rough patch lately, so that’s a really good outlook on why life has been beating me down so hard lately. It’s really admirable how you are able to learn and grow from negative situations. Thanks so much for your wisdom and insight! XO

  • Chelsea
    Reply

    I don’t usually read blogs, but I stumbled across yours through randomly scrolling through Instagram and I believe the Holy Spirit lead me to this exact post. I’m also a believer and I haven’t been pressing in to hear God much lately so this was very uplifting and inspiring to read. A great reminder! You spoke nothing but the truth here. And God is truth. Thanks Britt!

    I love the Bachelor and I watches you on there and you are EXTREMELY beautiful. On the outside but after reading this I know on the inside as well. The haters are going to hate and you’re right it’s because of their own sadness in their lives. You are perfect in Gods eyes and I’m pretty sure every other girl (and guy of course) thinks you’re gorgeous! Haha anyways just felt the need to write you. Great post girl 😘 Blessings,

    Chelsea

  • Brittany
    Reply

    I cant believe someone would say you were fat! So sad and ridiculous. This post was just what I needed to read. People can be so obsessed with commenting on other peoples’ bodies and, personally, I have had some hurtful things said no matter what my weight has been. Thank you for reminding me of the worth I have in Jesus!

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