God, what do I believe about my body?

So this is an email I wrote to God. I know that sounds crazy, but it helps me, and I find myself doing it a lot. I get less distracted during prayer if I am writing it down. I have not read this over, for fear that I will be tempted to edit, soften, delete, or sugarcoat the vulnerable parts (which accounts for most of it). I feel like this is a very personal post, so please be kind. I just wanted to put it out there because I know I can’t be the only woman who struggles with loving herself. Anyway, here :) Love you guys.

“God, I know what I THINK about my body. I think my legs are short. I think my boobs are small. Sometimes I’m ok with that, sometimes I’m not. I think I have a nice face, but I am afraid of getting old or breaking out or gaining weight there. My self-prescribed value rises and falls with my weight, in almost every area. I think that I have a great body when I am thin. In those moments, I am grateful, present, outgoing. I think I have a body that is sexy when it is underweight. I think I have a body that is unattractive and embarrassing when I gain any weight at all. God, I can feel my mind labeling my body as undesirable and I hear negative thoughts that are self-obsessed and self-depricating take over. My physical appearance becomes upsetting to me, and I feel no freedom to be confident. I have felt very little of this in general, lately, but I could feel these thoughts creeping into my mind over the past 6 days, and I want to get to the bottom of the lies and truth therein. Jesus, open my eyes to whats going on.

When I am thin, I want to be touched and admired and I find myself being outgoing and confident and able to respond to sexuality, life, food, etc in a normal, healthy way. When I feel fat, as I have the past few days, I can feel that I want to hide and cover myself up. When this continues, a cycle of shame begins and I shy away from anyone touching me. If I dont feel comfortable in my skin, I hear lies in my head that change the vision I have of who I am– my overall value depreciates dramatically. I can tell that I feel unworthy. I dont want to be seen or touched. I dont want to be sexual, because I feel ashamed of what someone else might think. I dont want to feel someone else touching my body when it is imperfect, fat, or honestly, not exactly how I like it.
I know, Father, that I have made great strides here. Usually, my body as it is would be unacceptable to me. I can tell I am much more healthy and my self esteem is higher, but this week, I have felt (as I have eaten badly and gained weight) that thinking of being unclothed in front of someone doesnt sound exhilirating or sexy, but instead makes me feel less-than. I feel like I would have to change myself to allow this. In my most afraid, most vulnerable, and smallest self, it makes me cringe and want to run away to avoid any risk at all. This reminds me of when I have been heaviest, and when I feel gross and powerless and like a failure. I can feel fear setting in that I might never be fullly healed or set free from my value being associated with my weight.

My connection to the world and the people I love is so important to me, and I do not want it to be tightly bound to my body shape. I know that I would rather stay home if I feel ugly. That seems so sad when I write it. I know that no one else looks at me as being disgusting, but I know that I have definitely felt it. I know that I have felt it much more in my past. I know that I have made leaps and bounds and massive steps toward healing. I know I dont puke in the trashcan in the shower anymore, or binge and purge for hours every day, or take stimulants to lose weight, but I wonder if I will ever be someone who is content no matter what. I wonder if I could gain weight and not care at all. I wonder if I will ever stop being aware of calories. I wonder if I will ever fully accept myself, without any qualifiers at all. Jesus, I know You are a healer, but my mind scares me when I let it. I walk in freedom, but I am afraid of failure when I remember where You have saved me from.

I wonder if complete body acceptance is contingent on my actions (as far as diet and exercise). I think in part it is, because I dont think You want me to use food as medication. I think I am feeling afraid of slipping to previous habits, because I chose to eat very poorly for many days in a row. I know how that makes me feel, and I did it anyway, which I know I did with a rebellious spirit, in part. I know I was pushing myself, and I am sorry for that. I think You want me to live with permission to do anything, but also with wisdom to know myself and use caution in areas that have caused me pain. I dont think You’re mad at me. I simply know that when I use food in place of finding comfort or fullness in You, that it becomes a destructive force in my life. I know that You made food for the body to nourish it, and not to replace relationships or healthy ways of easing stress or finding joy. I know the difference. You have taught me what indulgences are healthy and necessary and how to know the difference. I chose to overstep healthy boundaries, and now I am aware that my mind is being affected. Father, You are so good. I know this isnt the end of the world, I just want to be honest with You. I made mistakes on purpose, and the result of those isnt punishment from you, but an entrance of fear into my mind. I am afraid of being undesirable, and that fear is NOT from You or in Your plans for me. So i say no to it.

Father, what I think about my body is different than what it true about my body. I THINK I am only valuable if I am thin, fit, and ‘in control’, but Father, I believe that I am made perfectly by You. I believe that when I come into Your Presence, you show me how to use food as You intended. You show me how to enjoy myself and my body. You show me that I am blessed to have a body that works, and feels, and thrives. You show me that my body has been given to me as a gift, and will be given to my husband as a gift. You show me that it IS beautiful. I believe that it is beautiful, because You made it exactly as it is. I believe that I am not a broken person, that I am not ugly, that I am not worthless.

I say no to the lie that my value is contingent on my shape. I say no to the lie that I am unlovable, for any reason. I say yes to the truth that You made me in my mother’s womb with care and for a specific purpose. I believe that You have made me whole. I refuse to speak lies over myself, and I choose to seperate old lies from what You have promised.

I believe I am worthy, beautiful, special, and enough. I believe I am healthy, safe, and lovable.
I believe my value comes from My Creator, and not from the opinions of others, or the opinion of my human mind when it runs off course. I know my mind is fallible, prone to worrying and anxiety over things that dont matter in Your Kingdom. I believe YOu want total health, total acceptance, and total freedom for me in this area. Father, I thank You that I am wonderfully made. I believe what You say about me and what You speak into my spirit. I dont want to associate my weight with my worth, because they are not connected in heaven. I pray for women who feel the things I have felt, and I pray that You reveal Yourself to them. Ipray the blood of Jesus over my mind, heart, soul, and Spirit.

I thank You for making me the way You have and for bringing me through the places I have been. Use my past to heal. Help me to live out of perfect love, without fear. Help me to quickly see what is true and what is not, as I assess myself…give me Your perspective, Your eyes of love, Your patience and grace. Father, help me to love myself more easily and more fully and more often. Help me to accept who I am, so I can give of who I am. Show me that I am Yours, teach me that I am Yours, remind me that I am Yours. Father, help me to let go of control, help me to let go of fear, help me to let go of the lie that I am not enough for myself or for someone else or for you. Give me the confidence that comes from knowing I am one with You in Christ Jesus. My value is in You, and You are infinitely valuable.

I speak blessing over my body–it is worthy of love. I thank You that You are the giver of all good gifts, the speaker of truth, and the lover of my soul. Thank You for making me, for saving me, for guiding me, for forgiving me, for blessing me, for leading me into relationships, and for teaching me. Thank You for healing and for deliverance. I believe that I am a child of God, beautiful in His sight, set apart for His purposes, and bought at great price, after being created with great care. There is nothing wrong with me. I am not an addict, I am not a failure, I am not ashamed. I am full of the Holy Spirit and forgiven, cleansed, supported, and championed by brother Jesus and Father God. Thank You for bringing me back to You.

I forgive people in my past who have made me believe that my value is only in the external. I forgive myself for believing it too. I let go of the negative things spoken over my body by others and by myself. Thank You that everything is new and that You are living and active in the present. Thank You that I am set free, day by day, moment by moment–healed and cared for and lifted up by my Creator for eternity. You never leave me, and I bring every thought about my body to You and lay it down at the cross. It is already finished, and we are all united–help me to ease into Your perspective and to hold it in moments of weakness.I pray against fear.

I thank You for loving me so well. I thank You for showing me how to love myself well. I thank You for giving me the desire to love someone else well and to bring them into this union with You and with my body. Thank You that that is the most beautiful, sacred, and freeing act in the world, and that You bless me to do it. Thank You that I am in a place where I want to be embraced instead of hidden, Father. You are my Savior, in every area of my life. Thank You that You care about them all and speak blessing over them all, day and night. Thank You for your heart. Thank You for your goodness. Thank you for your consistency and for loving me without condition as I learn who I am. Thank You for making me who I am. I believe that what You have made is good. I believe that Your promises are true. I believe You have already done it, and I thank You in advance for all You continue to do.

Show me how to use my body to bless You and your people. Thank You for allowing me to worship You.

I love You.
I am Yours and You are mine.
Thank You for my body.
Thank You for Your Love.
You are so good,
so worthy of Praise.
Amen! yay!”

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Showing 19 comments
  • pro
    Reply

    This was very brave. Thanks for sharing. Your grace and humility honestly touches me, Britt.

  • Elise
    Reply

    I have felt the same self-doubts as you. However, I’m still in this winter of my life; I do not know how to come over these blasphemous thoughts/feelings, but your prayer did inspire me. I found the part of you prayer, that food is to nourish the body and not substitute other things, intriguing and very truthful. I wish you all the best on becoming content. I ask you still pray for all the women endeavoring this. :) thanksss byebye

  • Leah
    Reply

    Thank you soo soo much for being so vulnerable and posting this. I have struggled with my weight for quite some time, and it hurts me to know you are going through the same thing. I think we get inside of our own heads too much, because from the outside looking in you look so great. I am so glad you lean on God when you’re struggling. In Him we can feel complete. Keep shining, you are so lovely

  • M.W.
    Reply

    I had this problem and still sometimes do, but with Gods help he has helped me get better and better! Thanks for sharing this. It is encouraging

  • Lauren
    Reply

    Britt, I am truly just curious. Not in judgement. Do you allow yourself to have sexual encounters outside of marriage? Or are you merely referring to the feelings you have that are natural? And the touching is not sexual. It is just a little bit vague and hard to know what you mean. If it is the former, and you are sexually active with men who are not your husband, I am curious how you work that out alongside your faith and relationship with God. Truly curious, again. Not judging

  • stephanie
    Reply

    I really admire you and your transparency. This post gave me a boost of confidence because I think we all struggle with insecurities but when we can redirect our thoughts to the love God has for us it makes everything better. Looking forward to reading more posts.
    Thanks for being so raw and that’s what makes your more beautiful.

  • Amber
    Reply

    Wow! I didn’t even know what I was about to be reading but he title of ur post let me know I had to. I’ve been struggling with the same thing but opposite. Haha. When I get too skinny I feel I have no shape no boobs no legs no kim booty. All of it I hate but I’m not a big person and with my anxiety I carry my appetite suffers and then he lbs drop and I feel like a stick. I would avoid seeing my boyfriend because I knew he liked me a little bigger. I wouldn’t or couldn’t wear bras or pants that once fit. I go up and down in size like a drop of a hat and some days my body and appetite take over my mind it’s all I can focus on. I get anxiety at the food table or just around meals in general. Uhhhhh. Thank you for sharing. Xoxo. Amber.

  • Jenna Misialek
    Reply

    Thank you for posting this! Very uplifting and inspiring! I had a great conversation with God after reading this!

  • Rachel
    Reply

    Wow that hit right home. U are truly amazing for sharing such a vulnerable piece of art. Your one in a million. Ok im gana go cry now…. Xo

  • Jen
    Reply

    I love your blog britt, I feel this way so often. I know it’s not from God but it is so hard for me to see myself the way he sees me

  • Kayla snell
    Reply

    BRITT! ☺

    Thank you for sharing this blog. Reading this post, it sounds like something I have prayed many times over. I too prefer to put my prayers on paper, it helps me stay on track and not lose my thought process and it is fun to look back and reread.

    I have struggled with the weight/worth issue my whole life. It doesn’t help the insecurity when men in particular treat you differently depending on your size. I tend to flux up and down on the scale and it amazes me how much attention I get from men when I’m thinner versus a little “fluffier.” ☺ I’m thinking… it’s the same me inside here! So I find myself questioning my value as a woman, as a potential mate for a man. Feels mind a never ending battle.

    I take heart in the fact that someone so beautiful and sweet as you also feels these struggles. My gosh, put 20 lbs on you and youd still be a knockout! The truth is, like you said, our value and worth comes from the hand that created us. We are princesses to the King of KINGS!! I will continue to pray that the Lord break the bondage of vanity and poor self image for us, and the women we encounter.

    Keep in keepin on sista friend! You are where God wants you to be! Please continue to follow Him and shine that light your gorgeous diamond you! 💓💓💓

    -Kayla

  • stephanie
    Reply

    your amazing for this, unfiltered and beautiful

  • Bonnie Moe
    Reply

    This is beautiful! I appreciate your honesty, vulnerability and love for Your Creator. A friend of mine has written a bible study and has events for young women devoted to their identity in Christ. This post is exactly what GLAM (God loves all of me) events are all about. She is based in San Diego and I’m not sure if she is currently looking for speakers but I feel compelled to connect you two. Check out godlovesallofme.org Instagram @godlovesallofme and see what/if anything happens. (I already tagged her in your insta pic announcing your blog.😳)

  • Sarah
    Reply

    This so raw, honest and beautiful. Thank you for your courage

  • Diana
    Reply

    It’s like you took everything from my mind and heart and just put it to paper. Thank you for sharing this.

  • Allie
    Reply

    This is literally want goes on in my head put into words so beautifully and gracefully. Thank you Britt you are a role model to me and seriously a work of art <3

  • Robbie Winkle
    Reply

    These are really impressive ideas in on the topic of blogging.

  • Samantha
    Reply

    Could your next blog post be about your struggles with addiction and eating disorders and how you overcame them? I know it’ll be hard to write about but I think it would be really great and possibly inspiring for the people who are currently struggling. Thank you, much love<3 (:

  • Karen
    Reply

    Thank you for putting your prayer out there that I might find it and read it. You are brave and your truth is shared by many women; I for one. So thank you for speaking up. God bless you. :)

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