Inside Out

My true feelings about being the villain/crying-on-the-curb girl in front of millions and millions of people…

That wasn’t fun, and it hurt a lot.

A lot, a lot.

And for a very long time.

I had been kind, honest, and godly to the best of my ability, and yet to the world, I’d been painted as manipulative, deceitful, and selfish.

And the truth is, I DO wish it was different.

Yep, I wish the show went very differently.

There. I said it!

I don’t know if it was my fault or not, i just know that I wish it was very, very different.

I hate that i was the villain.

It shocked me. It sucked. It hurt.

I guess that’s all I need to say.

I wish I was made out to be a good person, the way I see myself.

No one likes reading magazine, internet, and news stories about how terrible they are. No one likes reading thousands and thousands (and thousands) of strangers berating them and not being able to defend themselves. No one like turning on the radio and hearing jokes about their personal hygiene. No one wants to be the one that everyone talks about behind their back…in front of millions and millions of people.

But it happened.

And for years, I was hurt and offended and sad. And sometimes I still feel those feelings. But more and more, I just don’t want to be offended anymore. I just don’t want to be jealous. I just don’t want to be ungrateful.

I know I have been given so much.

AND God, even in this, I have been given so much.

And You are right, it is true that if I  had just been well-liked and well recieved and perfectly accepted from beginning to end, I wouldn’t be as close to You now.

It took the rejection and the pain and all the hardship for all those months and years.

Its not what I wanted or what I would wish on anyone, but I do know that withou it I wouldn’t be as strong as I am.

It takes that pain to come near and feel my dependence on You and to see that together we can get through anything.

You brought me through that fire to help me.

I dont know much, but I know that You are good.

I also know that You’re ok with my confusion over this. So, I know and I thank You that I dont have to push down my emotions or act like I like that others were celebrated and I was condemned.

It was awful.

But…I also know You were there for me, through every single one of the thousands and thousands of mean things I heard and read and saw about myself.

It feels good to know that my tears are all counted. I know You grieve for me as well, Lord. I know I’m not alone.

I know it’s all working out for good, even still. I also know that its also ok to have some leftover pain in the meantime.

I know You were there. I know You were shielding me and comforting me. I know what I think I want is not necessarily good for me.

What I think is good is to be celebrated and liked! It’s not fun to be mislabeled or mistreated, but God, You know me. You know what happened. It is not my fault and it’s not punishment either. The burden of trying to figure it out is not mine to carry at all. Jesus, I give it back to You. And I’m beginning to see it more clearly.

So I’ll say it again: I don’t like what happened.

I’ll say it again: I am often jealous of others, who became famous and influential and are loved and were never accused or demonized.

Ill say it again: in my smallness, took a long time to see why this road was better for me.

I’ve been so afraid to feel these feelings that i have not just told You that for a long time I felt  more confused than anything else.

But that’s ok.

It’s ok that it still hurts.

It’s ok to mourn the way I was represented and mocked and treated, and still forgive and understand that the Bible is true and the promises in it are real.

I DO trust You.

I DO commit every moment to You, even the painful ones that I wouldn’t choose.

I dont need to sugarcoat this in front of You.

You are beautiful, holy, and mysterious. God, I declare that You ARE good. You are so good.

I declare the truth that You love me full-throttle, no holds barred, no hesitation and no stopping. You love me 100% all the time.

Mane so, I surrender my packaging of these circumstances as “bad” for me up to You.

I dont have to act like I thought  it was great. I don’t have to pretend like I see the whole answer neatly tied with a bow, (even now), but what I’m beginning to see, is that the answer is not in the outside world at all.

Now, as I look at my life, I know the right question to ask is: What if the reality is something INSIDE of me that has been transformed? What if that’s worth more than anything else that any other circumstance could afford me?

What if my character being tested, developed, and strengthened through the pain of this rejection created something inside of me that no perfect pain-free environment ever could have? Yes! And, what if that hard-earned  dependence on You being strengthened was enough?

I actually feel so relieved to just say that it hurt and I hated it, but that it drew me to You.

…and that is good! Really good. Truly good!

Good that will last forever — far after a hundred more seasons air and no one remembers anything that happened in mine.

Father, I trust that it developed endurance, humility and characer that i needed.

I needed it because I cannot develop character in a vacuum; when everything is easy.

I am grateful because I know that You dont waste anything, so my character development is for something good that You want to do in my life! Yes!

Furthermore, I trust that more goodness IS coming and HAS come — maybe not in the physical, where I was looking, but in my internal world, the place YOU are more concerned with!

You aren’t like me–You care less about followers and good press and much more about developing my soul and my character.

You care much less about positive magazine articles than about teaching me how to turn the other cheek.

You are more concerned with teaching me than with changing my cirumcstances so that i dont have to ever feel pain.

You arent afraid of pain. So neither will I be.

You are always for me, and the best thing for me was to go through this, to feel it, and to stand my ground. The best thing for me was to develop intimacy and deep dependence on You in this way. The best thing for me was to lean into You on my knees.

I couldn’t see past my worldly version of “best” for a long time. For years, I have tried to look for ways in the physical world that this painful false-accusation was good and I have really fallen flat. I have to think past what I care about and remember what You care about.

You care about the character that is built when You teach us to forgive the ones who hurt us. Whether it’s millions of people, or just one. You care about making us people who have enough strength, dignity, and presence to turn the other cheek when it gera hard. You care about making us light and life, especially in the hard times!

The light developed within is truly worth more than anything in this world. It’s worth more than a million followers. Its even worth more than people liking me. Its worth more than having extra influence or a platform.

I trust that You give me exactly what I need and what I can handle.

So, LORD, Forgive me for not feeling my emotions.

Forgive me for trying to see something physically good as the true proof that You are good.

Help me to see that You are good because You draw me near.

Help me to say that You love me just as much (100%), during my painful and embarrasing and crying-on-the-curb moments as much as You do in my moments of ‘success’.

I don’t yet see goodness quite as You see it, because Your ways are higher than mine…but I want to learn.

I want to trust that WHO I am was born out of those hard moments. I want to trust that You are crying with me when I cry. I want to trust and know I am better off in every internal way for having had this road put before me.

…so, THANK YOU for this crazy, upside-down, inside-out Kingdom! Thank You that the hardest moments make us the greatest! Thank You that pain develops strength, endurance, and beauty from the inside! Thank You that You being us through to the other side–better and more blessed than ever!!

 

Father, help me to remember that hardship is a pathway to peace.  Help me to remember that I am more than what the world thinks, and the inside really does matter more than the outside. Thank You that the truth always wins and that love always triumphs! Thank You that You’re not afraid of my anger, sadness, confusion, or circumstances. Thank You that You are faithful. Thank You that You are so good that I never have to wonder if You are working it out for me! I know that You are. Thank You for caring about my insides and the state of my soul more than my outsides, that’s actually the most comforting thing in the world. Thank You that You are a safe space. Thank You that You like me even if no one else does. Thank You that You don’t just like me, but You LOVE me enough to do anything for me, everything for me…even into death. Thank You for revealing the truth to me and bringing me more peace, Lord. I worship You, no matter how I feel or how it looks. You are faithful, perfect, and always for me. Thank You, Jesus! Amen

 

Romans 5:3-5 NIV

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

 

Woohooooo!!!!! Love you guys!!

 

Xoxox

bkn

 

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Showing 4 comments
  • Enez
    Reply

    I’m not sure why you were portrayed as a villain. So many of us watching that season cheered for you and loved how you handled yourself on the “after the final rose” episode. You were so gracious to others who had tried to harm you. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Chelsea
    Reply

    Hi Britt,
    Thanks so much for sharing. I am enjoying your blog posts! I appreciate the honesty and transparency and your dependence on God in the midst of terrible trials. I wish you all the best as you prepare to start your new life as a married woman!

    Chelsea

  • LY
    Reply

    Britt,
    I’ve watched the bachelor and I think you are being too harsh with yourself. You were my favorite there (and I think for many more people), and the girls, who were talking badly about you, came out as villains, not you at all!!! Watching it felt like it was bullying towards you, since you were much more beautiful and attractive then they could ever be, and it was out of pure jealousy. You were gracious and kind and beautiful inside and out!!! It is so unfortunate that you felt the pain, while they forgot about it a moment later..and continued with their lives as nothing happened. Please do not be so harsh with yourself, you deserve love and kindness!!! I am so happy to see that you have found your other half, and wish you happiness!!!

  • J
    Reply

    Thank you for such a raw and beautifully honest post! You are a very gifted writer and your blog is pushing me closer to God! I can honestly say that I have reflected on our words for weeks. You one post about “you are fat” completely broke me. I could not stop thinking about it. I love how God can use a terrible situation and make something beautiful. You are truly beautiful from the inside out. After saying all of that I would like to apologize for buying into the lie that you were the villain on the Bachelor. I am ashamed of myself for letting my mind believe something of someone because of how a tv show portrayed. Even though I never said anything mean I can’t believe I let myself think ill of a truly amazing person. I am so sorry how people hurt you and called you down. You are a true testimony to the transforming power of forgiveness and how God brings things around for His Glory. Thank you, for allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you have impacted me forever! God bless you!

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