lets talk about sex

Note: This is about exactly what you think its about. This is not a graphic post in any way, but is addressing a mature subject, so please exercise caution, and if it feels like you should take a pass on reading this one, please feel free to exercise that judgment. I love you guys.

So! My blog about my body issues (and non-issues, and sort-of-issues, and all the rambling thoughts around them) has caused several people to reach out to me with some questions. Sex questions. Yep.
In case you haven’t read the aforementioned post, I wrote a free-form letter to God, that I was planning on keeping private. Later, I felt an urge to share it, unedited, in the hope that its awkwardness and vulnerability and honesty might resonate with some readers, and hopefully make them feel less alone. Within the letter, I mention that I am sometimes nervous about being naked, touched, and/or sharing my body with another person sexually. I admit that the thought of being unclothed in front of someone doesn’t sound always exhilarating, as it very well might for someone more comfortable with themselves.

Now, as I am reading it over (which I never did before I posted it, because I wanted to keep it completely candid and brutally honest), I totally understand where all these sex questions are coming from. I was originally writing this letter without intending for anyone else to read it, so I understand why, without clarification, it is probably confusing. I didn’t explain the context of the moments I was referring to, so I am not surprised that mentioning nakedness and sexuality has given some people the wrong idea about exactly how those scenarios were being imagined on my part. The questions I’ve gotten most are: Do I believe in premarital sex, am I encouraging it, was that was I was referring to…etc. Now, obviously, as I was writing, I knew God was aware of my heart on the situation, but I realize that doesn’t make any of my readers privy to that information in any way.

The shortest possible answer would be to just clarify that when I said that sometimes thinking of being naked or involved in any similarly intimate situation makes me afraid and not excited, I was, indeed, imagining that scenario with my future husband, in the future. I am not having sex at all right now, and, as an adult, I have intentionally made a pact in my own heart that I will not until I am married. I know that I have come to this conclusion in the presence of God, and very outspokenly with my friends, family, and boyfriends. When I was writing, I was writing to someone (God), who knows that part of my heart very well, who understands my view entirely because He was the one who lead me there. With that understanding already in place, I felt no need to explain what was, and has been, a foundation of my view of romance, sexuality, intimacy and so forth. As I mentioned, I wasn’t writing with intention to post (at all! Trust me, or it would have had less grammatical errors and probably quite a bit less vulnerability), so there was no explanation needed. I was simply telling God that I don’t know if I always have the proper love for myself, or if I will be able to give myself to someone (MY someone, ie: my husband) without fear, and as fully as He intends me to. The root of what I expressed to God is that any personal issue I have with the way I view myself may prove troublesome for my married life and for the partner with whom I choose to share that part of myself with forever.

again, I can see where the confusion came in. How could I expect my readers, who have not been along for the journey of my life, to know my heart around this issue before I explain it? I cant. So, I apologize for any confusion, and I am grateful for the questions because it gives me a chance to talk about my heart. There’s something really beautiful about that. So, thank you!

The slightly longer answer to the “why” part of the sex-question is as follows, (and feel free to read or not read, I know this is a sensitive and personal issue–perhaps the most!–so, I am not trying to change anyone’s mind or heart, simply provide more clarity, if you are interested). I, as I am sure many of you do, desire a full life of blessing, abundance, and freedom. As a woman, especially one who is not always confident, I know that feeling beautiful and safe in my skin in the presence of my husband is a deep desire of my heart. I want to share every part of myself with him, without fear and without hiding. I want to entirely enjoy our intimate moments, and I think that God wants me to also. This is one of the things I look forward to in my life more than anything else. It is the bridge between being a wife and a mother, and one of the most beautiful gifts our loving Father has given us to enjoy.

Let me explain. First of all, yes, sex is a big deal. Its a really big deal. Humans use it to create life, to express love, to enjoy one another, and, I believe, to enjoy God! It is both one of the most primal things we do, and also one of the highest and most sophisticated forms of mind-to-mind, heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul, body-to-body bonding (… all at once! how amazing!) that has ever existed. In it’s God-given glorious fullness, it is meant to be both breathtaking and mind-blowing. God man men and women attracted to each other and sexually drawn to one another on purpose. It’s His design!

I believe He intentionally designed sexual connection to be a beautiful, explosive, intense, and wholly unifying experience. That being said, I also believe that this experience is most profoundly enjoyed when it is shared with a person we are committed to (entirely and singularly and without exception).The security and safety that can only come from the commitment (marriage) that says “You are mine, forever” is the only thing that truly, deeply, unequivocally affirms in us that we can, indeed, open up entirely to the one who says that, and means it. I don’t believe there is a true chance for the full, God-intended, life-giving connection without complete safety. As far as I find myself concerned, the only completely safe space to engage in such a vulnerable giving-of-myself is within that context.

And I really think that this is the way God set us up. We were certainly not made to be alone, but we were also not made to be afraid. As humans, we want to feel loved, we want to feel seen, we want to feel known, we want to feel understood, and we want to feel accepted. I want all of those things for my sex life also! I want there to be no questioning, no doubting, no ambiguity, no room for wondering about my partner’s love for me. I just think of the wonderful closeness, the trust, the companionship, the security, and the freedom that will come from waiting to have sex with the one I KNOW has chosen to love me forever. Personally, that sounds amazing. Personally, I don’t want anything less that that.

I don’t want to deal with the negative aspects of sex that creep in when it is done in any other context. I dont believe God intended us to live with all of the confusion, shame and hurt that can be associated with having sex with anyone who hasn’t pledged to love us in spite of, and through, our imperfections and vulnerabilities. Sex is too intimate to risk with someone who has not promised to guard, protect, and be a safe place for my heart! Sex was created to bring us together, unite us, and to make us one with our partner (emotional, spiritual, as well as physically). When it happens in marriage, its beautiful and right! When this happens outside of marriage, it can cause pain, because eventually the relationship doesn’t end up amounting to the intimacy shared in bed.

This intense bonding with (followed by inevitable separation from) multiple partners is not something our hearts were equipped to handle, and so pain and regret usually follows. I think of it this way: throughout our human lives, the more people we choose to share this special and intimate union with, the more we begin to lose ourselves (a little bit of everything: the emotional excitement, the wonder, the “fullness”, the sense of importance, the sacredness around sex) until theres ultimately a void. Tragically, there is less to give, less to take, less to share and less to savor with a person who comes at the end of your exploits (even if that person means the world to you).

Now, all of this being said, I don’t want anyone to be getting the wrong idea: I don’t believe that God wants to punish us, or withhold good things from us at all! I honestly feel the complete opposite: I know that He wants to give us freedom to fullly enjoy sex in its fullest capacity! I just believe this capacity is only attained in that safe haven of life after a marriage commitment. We can, of course, do whatever we want, but the consequences may hurt our hearts, and that hurts God’s heart. He wants us to live life abundantly, which happens when we understand His design!

After all, God INVENTED sex–Its His perfect blessing, His intentional and loving gift to husbands and wives, made for us to experience joy on earth! He made it to be exciting and fulfilling and thoroughly, wildly, awesomely fun and romantic and…(duh) sexy! He wants a man and woman to love and enjoy each other, in the best way. God only wants to spare us from pain, shame, fear, and regret. God cares about YOUR heart, He cares about YOUR future, He cares about YOUR marriage. I know He cares about your sex life, the way you view your body, the way you connect with those you love, and the way you feel about intimacty. So talk to Him about it! There is so much love and joy to be experienced on this earth, I just believe in finding the appropriate time, place, and context to do so. When we align with God’s plans, we are opened up to a life of freedom and enjoyment and fullness. I believe our Father intends to bless us, make us safe, fill us up, encourage us, uphold us, enjoy us, give us life, bless us, and give us wisdom. I want to honor Him with the time I have on this earth and with the body that He has given me. I choose to step into the blessing and do it His way, simply because I want the best! I choose to trust that His design is perfect. I choose to live out of trust and ask for patience in the waiting–because I believe that God’s promises are true and that it will be worth it.

Anyway, I could go on and on.
And on.
Hahaha, But I think you get the point!
I really hope that clears up any confusion! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

BKN

PS. This just popped into my head, and made my heart feel like I need to explain something very important!! Since we are discussing it, I DO NOT wish to make anyone believe that if he/she has not been celibate, or has had sex with people (even many people), that they are any less valuable, worthy, loved, or lovable. This is NOT true at all.
God is a God of forgiveness, grace, understanding and acceptance.

If you need more proof, or a sister in your corner: let me explain! I, myself, as I have mentioned in previous posts, have not lead a perfect life by any means. I am not a virgin, nor am I perfect in any other area. I have simply (through trial and error and prayer) resolved that as an adult, I am forgiven. I DO NOT identify with my old, broken self anymore! I am able to let go of mistakes and accept a new chance to do things right! I choose a new slate. I now know this is something I am saving for marriage–so as an adult, that is what I am doing!

God does not love us because we have everything figured out, but because He made us. He never loved me any less when I was making mistakes (or when I make mistakes today, for that matter). His heart isn’t one of condemnation, but a heart of LOVE, like a Father. He wants the best for us, BECAUSE He loves us! He loves to forgive, press the reset button, and to heal any and all who ask. He wants to teach us how to live mercifully and abundantly–this includes teaching us how to love ourselves! So, just think, pray, talk about it.

I know that sex is a complicated subject, and that many of you probably (as I have, and do) have questions and fear and old baggage around this topic of sexuality. I dont have all the answers, but thats ok. We are all just learning as we go along. I promise that you are beautiful and loved and lovely, no matter your past! God sees you and loves you unconditionally. I just wanted to make that very clear, because that is what I believe with every part of my heart. Ok, now I’m really done.
I think.

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Showing 14 comments
  • Marchesa
    Reply

    God bless your honesty.
    -sister in Christ

    • Zion Tesfaye
      Reply

      I love your heart! You are a daughter of the KING and I am so glad to have a sister in Christ who boldly speaks out in faith and shares joy with the world. You are beautiful Britt! He will continue the good work He started in you. You inspire us all :)

  • Kate
    Reply

    A-freakin-men! Thank you again for your honesty and vulnerability and encouragement!

  • Gale
    Reply

    I’ve always believed that a person is better able to give help and guidance from the position of “having been there and done that”. There was only one perfect person and that was Jesus. None of us is perfect, but those who embrace Christ and want to follow his word make a conscious effort to be better because of Him. You are more human, dear Britt, because you “have been there and done that”. You will better be able to relate to those who reach out to you for insight and guidance, and they to you, because you have turned your life to focus on God and what He intends for you. God Bless you!

  • Annie
    Reply

    Wow, Britt. Thanks for sharing!! This is all so true and helpful.

  • Lindsay
    Reply

    My faith and spirituality have always been so important to me. But it is hard to keep up with that as a college student when there are so few role models or people that share the same morals as you. After seeing you on the Bachelor, people have told me that you remind them of me, which is so comforting because if you can get to where you are today, then there’s hope that I can too. Thanks for sharing and being so awesome! :-)

  • Kristin
    Reply

    Thank you Britt! We need more role models of this lifestyle and choice. I waited for my husband -and rather than being a difficult, painful, missing-out kind of experience that it is often portrayed as, it was the most beautiful, freeing thing – and I think others who choose to do it differently are the ones missing out! =) Thanks for being bold to share!

  • Victoria V
    Reply

    “I DO NOT identify with my old, broken self anymore!” I really love that:) Very inspiring

  • Ciara Soflin
    Reply

    Britt,
    Thank you for your honesty and transparency. I am encouraged by your testimony! The light of Jesus shines through you. I knew something was different about you when I watched you on the Bachelor. I’m praying for you and your future husband. He will be a very lucky man, and I pray God gives you strength & patience as you wait. I’m loving your blog also! I struggle with insecurity too. It’s crazy to think that you could struggle with it because I think you’re one of the most gorgeous women I’ve ever seen! But like you said, true beauty & worth is only found in Jesus. Knowing that he made us in his image…fearfully & wonderfully. Outward beauty is fleeting, but a gentle quiet spirit is of great worth to God! Thanks so much for being unashamed to talk about HIM. Praying He uses you to reach many young women struggling with insecurity. Thanks for sharing the Gospel. I may never meet you on earth, but I look forward to it in heaven. ❤

  • Lindsey
    Reply

    This honestly is so beautiful inside and out and the way you explain everything makes me belive in forgiveness and fresh starts. Everyday is such a blessing from God. I want you to know that this has truly inspired me. I am catholic and used to go to a Catholic school but then transferred. I did not loose my faith but I lost my ability and confidence to pray and spread my faith. But you have reminded me that God has been there with me throughout this whole journey and that he has brought me to this very moment. You have enlightened me to the point where I want to change my daily actions: praying everyday, talking to God when I get the chance, and visiting him in holy matrimony. lately I’ve forgotten about these tasks and I feel distant from God. All I truly want is to thank him for this beautiful journey and for keeping me safe. So thank you for opening my eyes, you have truly changed my world around in a positive way.

  • Jackie
    Reply

    I don’t know why you feel the need to appeal to all these religious fanatics. Like are you actually this religious? Kinda weird… I mean good for you, but I think you are being highly unrealistic. It’s completely natural and normal to explore sex during relationships. I love your high standards, I love that you are willing to wait, but I think you need to be a bit more practical here. I mean I GUESS you could wait until marriage, but if you’ve already done it once, I know how sex works, you are probably going to want it again… I don’t know I just don’t want you to like freak out if you do it and think you are going to hell like all these religious fanatics preach. Like everyone has sex you know? Don’t be SO hard on yourself.

  • Jackie
    Reply

    “I DO NOT identify with my old, broken self anymore!”

    So are you judging us all who do participate in sex, that we are in fact broken? 😉 Careful of your words…

    Oh Britt…. 😉 what am I going to do with you. Relax, you don’t need to be this religious girl!!! Like just live your life!! But I DO love the high standards I mean I could learn from you in that sense, I need higher standards for me girl to girl speaking. lol. I let men get away with too much!

  • Jamie
    Reply

    I love this and adore you. Thank you for your example, level-headedness, and perspective. We need more people like you in the world!

  • Stefie
    Reply

    I am so grateful to have read this. It was the perfect answer to my prayers. I’ve been struggling a lot with the “past me” and the shame I feel for some of the things I’ve done. Not only sexually but morally as well. It’s really nice to hear that there are people in the same boat that I’m in.
    I also wanted to add that for a very long time I felt God was telling me to wait till marriage even though I wasn’t a virgin and the idea was so conflicting in my head. I didn’t understand at all how it made any sense for a non virgin to wait. But I trusted God and I turned from my sins. It did not magically become easy though. I’ve cried so many nights and my relationship took 100 steps back. I was so ashamed to tell people and I kept it a secret all because I was sure no one would understand. But Britt your honesty is the first time I’ve felt like something made some sense! And I can be proud of who I am despite the past and despite my anormal views. Obviously there’s so much more to my story but this is your blog of course so I’ll end it here but thank you so much!! Know that you’ve made a huge difference in at least 1 persons life!

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