there is no fear in love

So…basically, I have been stuck in a place where I am so intimidated to write that I haven’t been blogging.

Yep. chalk it up to procrastination, fear, excuses, fear, fear, business, oh and basically fear.

I feel afraid of failing, so I haven’t really been trying. I feel bad about promising and not delivering. I just feel pressure (mostly from myself) to say something really valuable, or interesting, or profound, or at least entertaining…and that completely shuts down any creativity I might have otherwise been able to access.

So, today, I started writing a private prayer/letter to God about that. What happened was that I began talking about those fears, BUT as my ever-wandering mind did what it does best, I started praying and assessing my FEARS IN RELATIONSHIP…dun, dun, dun.

Insecurity. Self-doubt. Obsession. All those super fun things that start happening when you care about someone.

Anyway, I wrote this letter/prayer to God, unintentionally, and when I finished, I felt like I should share it. It might be encouraging, if only to show you that we all have the same fears and questions. Again, I don’t have super-powers or perfect answers, but I can offer what I’ve got and what I’ve felt and all the stuff that just came pouring out when I wasn’t putting a filter on.

Being human is hard. But its also the greatest adventure of all time. So, here you go. Again, this is an open letter to God–so its a little raw, a little unpolished, mostly unedited and kind of rambling. May be imperfect, but it is certainly real. So, I really hope this helps someone! :)

LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!! — Britt Karolina

Father, Abba, Friend:

I miss relating to You that way. I want to see You as my intimate protector, my approving dad, my tender provider. I want to just start something. I want to just start something and do it. I want to just actually live well. I am excited. I am grateful. I am going to write PRIVATELY every day. I am not going to censor myself or filter myself, thinking others will see it. I’m going to write every day and when I get back from Israel I can edit it all. I need to take the pressure off to be perfect.

Here are some facts. You love me, You fill me with inspiration, I can tell that my inspiration is severely inhibited by thinking that others will read it, no one is going to die if my blog comes out a month later. You have my future in Your hands. the things is, I have been afraid to write, so instead of that letting me stop writing, im going to choose to write in private. then, after this 40 days, I will have TONS of material to edit and use. I believe YOU will make it into something good. So, God, I am asking for 40 days. 40 days where I can be healthy, fruitful, creative (without pressure) and expressive.

I am asking for 40 days of not feeling protective, needy towards, indebted to, or obsessed with Jeremy. You are my God. I trust You that YOU are the source of our connection, not our amount of time spent. I can tell I am worried somehow that if I am not there all the time that he will fall out of love with me. I feel afraid that if we enjoy our lives apart that means we don’t need to be together. Father, that is so silly. we aren’t spending time with other people instead, we are spending time with You. I love the person that he is, I trust the person that he is, I want him to cultivate life outside of our relationship. for right now, that feels like a good thing for me to do too. It feels healthy and like it will actually be a blessing to both of us. I want to choose to love him, not feel like im grasping at something im afraid of losing.

I can feel that I need too much validation. last night on the couch I felt like if he didn’t touch me I would have felt lonely. Father, I am not lonely. I have you and I have a man that loves me–so my sense of loneliness is coming from me having a sense of emptiness or self-doubt or fear or something. It’s not an external problem (obviously, I am surrounded by friends and my boyfriend), so external solution (being touched, told im loved, etc.) will not have any lasting effect on my condition. I feel safe for a moment, or safe because he’s holding me, or safe as he says he loves me — but then scared of losing that love when he is not touching me, not holding me, or doesn’t say I love you back. Father, that is no way to live. That is no way to treat myself or treat Jeremy. It surprises me.

I just want to be loved, and for some reason, despite the evidence to the contrary, I still feel like the love I have is capable of being taken away at any moment. which I guess is true, technically, but living in the fear of that seems like a really good way to kill the present happiness Im actually experiencing in this relationship. Jeremy and I spend more time together than any couple I know. We text and talk all day, eat together, spend every day together, do everything together except when I physically cannot be with him because im working. Jeremy and I also affirm and encourage and touch and compliment and embrace each other more than any couple I know. And yet, I am still afraid that if its not ACTIVELY happening, he might have fallen out of love with me a little bit. If he isn’t validating our connection, I fear it has weakened. I want to connect with him more than with anyone I have ever met, and yet I feel like its turning into an unhealthy thing.

I need to figure out how to be OK with or without him. Of course I want him, but I want to offer him a woman who doesn’t need him to fulfill the space You are supposed to have in my life. He cant make me feel safe if I don’t know how to feel safe. He cant fix my relationship with You or my dad or my body. He cant fix the ways that I don’t feel acceptable. Until I get to the root of those, I will feel intense neediness and insecurity about our connection. That has nothing to do with him at all. Actually, probably the more time I spend with him while I feel this way, the more deeply I will become confused, thinking I need to do it to maintain our connection. Jesus, the truth is, what I love about Jeremy is his relationship with You and the heart You gave him. What he ultimately loves in me is You in me also.

Our connection will never dwindle if You are the center–I believe that is impossible. I believe that the more we focus on You and not each other, the more we will actually be able to give and receive love–which IS connection. The deep, peaceful, strong connection doesn’t come from Jeremy holding my hand and proving to me that Im worthy of having my hand held…it will come from me believing I am worthy enough to accept the love He is offering. That is spiritual connection, which then results in physical connection. I feel like sometimes I slip into needing the immediate validation that comes from simply being together and hearing him say he loves me or sees me or wants me. But, Father, I can tell that even those words don’t land very well in the times when I haven’t been close to You.

If I feel distant from You, I feel distant from myself and I feel so needy toward Jeremy. That’s not his burden. He treats me so well. You treat me so well. I just want to be more intentional about being in relationship with You. I want to prioritize our connection, and actually believe that I don’t NEED or OWE anything to Jeremy above You. I need to realize that he is also going to be ok. I need to realize that I really don’t want him to be needy toward me either, as validating as that may feel. I want us to truly live outside of fear and step into peace. I want the times I say I love him as he is to SINK in! I feel like the other night when he read his lists to me that began to happen. But, Father, just like I cant rush his process of receiving love, he cant rush mine. We have to learn to accept our value from YOU before anything can move deeper in that area. The sense of wellness and acceptable-ness and value has to come from You, outside of our relationship to each other, or we will never be able to fully feel safe in our connection. We will feel needy and suspicious and doubtful and that will make us afraid to be apart.

I don’t want to be so obsessed with our relationship that I think of it more than I think of You. I don’t want to be so in love with Jeremy that I forget to be in love with You first. I don’t want to need him so much that I turn this into a toxic exchange of fear. I want to realize that his love for me continues whether I am with him or not, whether he is touching me or not, whether he is looking at me lovingly or not, whether he is saying romantic things or not. I want to trust that his love for me is constant because he chooses me—not because of what I see or feel every single moment. my thoughts and feelings shift around so much, I cannot hold him responsible. otherwise, he would have to be connected to me at all times and never say anything but ‘I love you’. In reality, it doesn’t matter if he says that a million times a day if I don’t believe it will stay because I don’t believe I am completely, utterly, undoubtedly deserving of it.

If I don’t believe that I am already loved unconditionally, how can I feel safe in a relationship with ANY human being, who’s love is, by definition, conditional. Only You are God. Only Your love is perfect. Only Your love is completely faithful, completely unchanging, completely safe, completely secure, completely full of grace and forgiveness and without condemnation. Only Your love can actually affect my spirit in a deep and lasting way, because it makes me free. It is so freeing to feel fully accepted. There is nothing on this earth that can make me feel that way. I HAVE to get it from You.

I have to let go of the idea that ultimately either of our peace comes from one another. Peace comes from You. Joy comes from You. Hope comes from You. Identity comes from You. Confidence comes from You. Blessing, empowerment, health, goodness, aaaalllllllllll of the things that are holy and helpful come from You. Not from any person on earth, no matter how wonderful. I would also venture to say that I have to let go of the idea that any fear comes from one another. Fear comes from lack of love. Absence of You. Separation from You. Perfect love drives out fear. I cant find enough love in a human being to drive out fear, because no human is perfect. I cant find enough shortcuts, or have enough revelations, or learn enough, or do enough exercises, or have had enough breakthroughs to drive out fear if in the moment fear strikes I am not aware of Your love for me. Theres nothing Jeremy could possibly do for me to make me feel completely safe if I do not connect to Your love. It feels good to release him from that.

There is also no amount of love I can give him, or enough behaviors I can modify, or enough agreements we can come to, or enough boundaries I can set, or enough things I can say to him or do for him or for us that will ever make him feel safe or unafraid if He doesn’t feel loved by You, Father. Completely loved in imperfection. Completely seen. Completely understood. I will never fulfill his needs if they aren’t already met in You. He can never fulfill my needs if they are not already met in You. I think that’s a major part of why we don’t feel safe to get married yet. I think You want us to fall in love with You first. I think our lives cant be joined together until we get this from You. What a gift that is to us, Father, for You to greet us with grace and show us what we need. I don’t want to be in a marriage where I am insecure about our connection. I don’t want to be in a marriage that isn’t built on a foundation of healthy confidence.

I know Jeremy and I are in love. I know we want what the other has. I think the problem is learning to accept what we each have as being enough. Show me that I am enough, and that I am loved. Show him that he is enough, and that he is loved. Teach us to find deep validation and security in our connection with YOU, so that our connection to each other doesn’t have to be worked at so hard, or carry so much undue weight, or meet demands that it can never ever meet. It makes me sad to think of not going over there almost every night, but it also makes me really excited. I love being together, but I want to love it because its fun and exciting and challenging, not because I am afraid of what might happen if we are apart.

I want to accept his love. I want him to accept mine. it would feel so good to see him believe and receive it when I told him how much I loved him exactly the way he is!!! it would feel so good to be able to receive that from him! I want that for us. I want to take care of our hearts and our bodies and our spirits and our connections to You, Jesus, and Holy Spirit, so that the time we spend together can be fruitful and peaceful and healthy and whole. God, that sounds so wonderful. God, I am so grateful. So grateful for Jeremy. So grateful for all of this. We have come so far! I am so excited to step into these big, joyful, life-giving, free and open spaces of Health!!!!!!!!!! I pray for Jeremy’s knee. I pray for Caleb and Shan and Ezra. I pray for whatever we need that we cant see. Although I have an inkling that most of our symptoms come down to reconnecting with You, God.

I trust You, I love You, I feel whole and at peace right now. Thank You for Your Presence and Your availability and Your patience. Let me see You today as my heavenly dad, my Abba, my best friend, my cheerleader, my good, good Father. Thank You. I bless Jeremy’s spirit with the same, and more and more and more. AMEN.

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Showing 13 comments
  • Zion Tesfaye
    Reply

    Wow. Britt you are truly a woman of faith and I felt and understood every word in that letter. It’s those times where we ask for clarity and understanding that He gives us His peace. I am so glad to see you rise up and speak freely with the gift God gave you, words. My heart is truly touched! I have several journal entries with the same prayer requests and hopes that He will fulfill it all in His perfect time. I believe in your relationship and I know He is preparing both of you for the blessings you will encounter together one day, as one flesh! I love that you are coming to Him with expectation and desires that match what He wants for you! :) He will do exceedingly above all you could ever imagine! Your hope and trust is rooted in who He is, and that’s all He needs ❤️ Thank you for being brave, and showing the world what a woman who wholeheartedly loves God looks like. Be encouraged & know the heavens are rejoicing because of your obedience to share this with us..you have no idea how much it means! God loves you and so do I. Xoxo

  • Kelsey Hlavac
    Reply

    This speaks miles to me and I just want to say thank you. Thank you for not being afraid to show your faith, to live your faith, but also for showing your weaknesses as much as your strengths. I am going through a tough breakup right now and I think these are exactly the words I needed to hear. My boyfriend and I met at a Lutheran college and my assumption was that he had a strong faith but as time went on, we both graduated (at different times), and a long-distance relationship started to take place, I think his faith in God and then everything else including him and I got lost. Reading this and seeing that it is possible to strive for a relationship with someone else but because of God. I like to think of a triangle with God at the top and the two parties on either side of the triangle. You can’t get closer to the other person without being closer to God and this post really connects to that. So thank you.

  • Carly DeSpain
    Reply

    Amen! This is so good Britt!!! I took notes!!

  • Zion Tesfaye
    Reply

    Wow. Britt you are truly a woman of faith and I felt and understood every word in that letter. It’s those times where we ask for clarity and understanding that He gives us His peace. I am so glad to see you rise up and speak freely with the gift God gave you, words. My heart is truly touched! I have several journal entries with the same prayer requests and hopes that He will fulfill it all in His perfect time. I believe in your relationship and I know He is preparing both of you for the blessings you will encounter together one day, as one flesh! I love that you are coming to Him with expectation and desires that match what He wants for you! smile emoticon He will do exceedingly above all you could ever imagine! Your hope and trust is rooted in who He is, and that’s all He needs ❤ Thank you for being brave, and showing the world what a woman who wholeheartedly loves God looks like. Xoxo

  • Karley
    Reply

    You have no idea how much I relate to this. Such open and real feelings to write about. Thank you<3

  • Tessla Landru
    Reply

    Britt, I love how truly real you are. Seeing how honest and genuine you are always inspires me to be a better person!

  • Ariel
    Reply

    Britt, you are so amazing ! Reading your blog lifts my spirits…your realness makes me feel connected. I struggle with jealously in my relationship…feelings that I don’t even want, that I know are irrational and unattractive, but they are there! We are all just humans trying the best we can and it’s nice to hear someone such as yourself share her raw, honest thoughts and feelings.. You go girl!

  • Shannon
    Reply

    I noticed there were no comments, and I wanted to encourage you that your desire to be openly God-centered is extremely refreshing. Thanks for putting yourself out there…and coming from someone who understands the pressure of timing when it comes to posting things on websites and building a personal brand, I can say that you have nothing to worry about! Your words will reach whomever they’re made to reach at whatever time they’re meant to be read.

  • Ashley
    Reply

    Britt this was so incredibly inspiring. I have felt/ feel this exact same way. It’s scary to put your trust and faith in someone who’s love-like you said- is conditional. Having Jesus as the foundation of your relationship is the best thing you can do. I really resonated with what you said about not getting that validation, and feeling like you need the validation otherwise he will fall out of love with you. We all fall short of the glory of God, but he is there to lift us up, sustain us, and remind us that He is holy, almighty, wonderful and He loves us. Praying for you Britt. God bless! ❤️

  • Hannah
    Reply

    Dear Britt,

    I discovered your blog tonight and read all the posts through. They touched my heart and spoke to me. We have two daughters in their early twenties and we’re trying to bring them up to have faith in and love Jesus. I’m going to share your blog with them, it’s so inspiring and wonderfully written! God is blessing you in your ability to share your faith in a way that is so honest and relatable! Continued blessings to you Britt❣

  • bastcilk doptb
    Reply

    Hi there! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Thank you for sharing!

  • Derek Lout
    Reply

    Very informative blog. Cool.

  • Reply

    Very informative blog.Really looking forward to read more. Really Cool.

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